i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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