Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
