he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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