I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
