i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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