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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
