So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
