i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
