The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
