So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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