I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
