I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
