she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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