So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
