the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
