im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
