Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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