How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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