I haven't been this sober since birth.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
