I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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