Do you still have your period?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
