i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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