Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
