i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
