Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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