if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
did i just pee glitter
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
