We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
