I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
