8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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