Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
