The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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