So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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