I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
