i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
