When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
