I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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