Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize