That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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