I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
