I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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