Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize