She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
