eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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