If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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