Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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