i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
