I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
