There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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