She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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