It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
