I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
