Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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