im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
