i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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