I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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