They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
