Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
